Abba, Adoption, Carousel, Jesus, Life, Post-Partum Depression

Thus Far…


Life thus far. I’m trying to imagine all of the things I’ve experienced, from the deepest, dark sadness to the mountain tops filled with amazing sunrises and sunsets. One thing I know for sure is that wherever I’ve gone, I’ve not been alone.

As a child, in the middle of the night, crying myself to sleep, praying for an end to the suffering and pain, I was never alone. It was in that darkest of nights that the Holy Spirit first began to reveal Himself to me!

Abba was there when, as a teenager, I began to question all that I believed in and almost turned my back on faith. He saw me when I was 16 and had no other options but to run away from home. Mercifully, I fell into the hands of a loving family where I learned that it didn’t have to be this way.

He was there when I saw one of my best friends a little differently this time and knew that he was the kind of man I wanted to marry. He was there when, 2 years later, I met that man at the end of an altar and pledged my life to him.

Abba held me as I became a mother for the first time and experienced post-partum depression for the first time…and then the second time as well. He was there at each moment of life, from the big leaps to the tiny steps, and the pitter patter of tiny feet.

He was there when I left my high paying job for a life of full-time ministry leading people in worship through beautifully woven words and music. He was there when ministry had lost its magic in my life and I was only going through the motions…always loving Him, but so unsure of myself.

He was there when we were introduced to our adopted daughters for the first time, and I believed that He jumped for joy in the knowing that such a different life was coming.

He has been there for every doctor appointment, every counselor, and every specialist that says, “She will never be able to do…” He is with us in the mornings and evenings when it’s so hard to manage four children (1 with special needs) and you feel that you’re the only one who’s ever experienced such floods of pain.

Abba sits beside me here as I write trying to convey the message that I am determined that the end of my life will not resemble its beginning. And that as long as I live and breathe, I will try to choose the Light. The way of darkness seems easier at times, but thus far stepping into the Light has proven to be much more exhilarating, joy-filled, and excitingly dangerous.

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